The scene outside of Lincoln Park's concert venue, Lincoln Hall
A lot of people think I do stand up shows every night of the week so that I may one day be a nationally-recognized headlining comedian. This is only part of the story. One of my main goals in life is to find a woman who is much better off than me financially. Kanye West, fellow Chicagoan and Grammy-winning musician, had a great song a few years back titled “Gold Digger.” The song won many accolades and was praised for its great humor, in describing a woman who only dates men with money. However, he left out the fact that sometimes men date women for money just the same. I’ve done my own personal research, and figured out that I am one of those men.
I don’t exclusively date women with money, but that is due to my masculine nature. Being a man, I will also date just about anything with two legs and at least two breasts (look out, girl from “Total Recall”). Being out every night for a show, I don’t have time to figure out if a woman is rich right when I meet her, unless I have read about her financial situation on the internet previously (i.e. Paris Hilton). So I just date with the hopes that she will pick up dinner and the movie, and that will lead to true love.
Shows in Lincoln Park that I have done are my link to women who have inherited family wealth, women who are current divorcees, or women who are the headstrong self-made millionaires. I can meet them at Lincoln Hall concerts, Racine Plumbing comedy shows on Monday nights, and Stanley’s Kitchen & Tap comedy shows on Monday nights.
I recently did a show a Lincoln Hall with the group Afro-Zep, and from this show I have been in contacted by a couple of women who are more than likely interested in doing business with me, but most importantly single, loaded, and interested in my story. This leads me to my next segment of this piece, how to attract the (wealthy) love of your life.
1. HAVE AN INTERESTING STORY
Whether you are an up and coming stand up comedian who just “needs a little support until Comedy Central calls him,” or the guy on the fast track to manager at Wendy’s, have a story a woman can believe in. Like it or not, we are all something to invest in. I make sure my stock is always on the rise, or that it at least looks that way.
2. HOPE FOR THE BEST, EXPECT THE WORST
My brother told me this phrase years ago concerning my career, but it works in dating, as well. I don’t go out to expensive restaurants in the beginning of my relationships with these rich women. I take them to my favorite taco spot in whatever neighborhood I am in. That way, I know I can pay if I have to. Then when she picks up that taco receipt, I know I’ve got her. By the fifth taco date, she’ll ask if she can pay for us to go to a nice restaurant for a change. That’s when the magic happens. But if you take any advice from this article, its always pay for the first two tacos. If you do that, you may never have to pay for a taco again.
3. DON’T ABUSE YOUR GOOD FORTUNE
My main goal for whenever I find the right woman is to raise a kid and live together forever, or at least that’s what I’ve been told. Either way, I make sure I’m not a complete asshole to the woman putting food in our future child’s mouth. If I can pick something up, I will do it with no argument. That way I’m more likely to get a higher allowance from my girl at a later date.
In conclusion, I really just always envisioned myself being a stay-at-home dad. Watch the kids during the day, go out and do stand up when they go to bed. Then by the time I get home, take them to school and get some sleep of my own. I am just looking for the right woman (with the right bank balance) to share that life.
Will Miles is a RedEye blogger.