As the old saying goes, “breaking up is hard to do.” While it lacks proper sentence structure, this statement holds very true for most people. In a random magazine article about “How To Be A Man,” I read that before you become a man, you must have your heart broken, and also break someone else’s…
After I went downstairs at Clark’s birthday party, I walked around with a new and seemingly undeserved confidence. Smiling very wide, I went around to tell one of my buddies the good news about my very recent loss of innocence. He gave me an emphatic high-five, and said “Oh man! That’s awesome! Which girl was…
![The Party (How to lose your virginity [Part 1])](/lincoln-park/files/2011/08/partypic-220x160.png "The Party (How to lose your virginity [Part 1])")
The scene in this picture is exactly what a house party is like; Smoky air, people absurdly drunk, and the hazy image of potentially nude breasts in the background. While this picture was taken outside after the Chicago Blackhawks won the championship, it describes exactly the scene at a great college party, specifically the ones…
A date can (and most often should) end in coitus, the physical act of love. A date can end in the soon-to-be-broken promise of another date. A date can even end in a pity kiss. However, a date should never end in the girl meeting you at the Emergency Room in a very well air-conditioned hospital,…
I have been drunk before. While drunk, I have played darts before. When my brother, James, and his wife, Maggie, were in town visiting a few months ago, I took them away from their kids for a night on the town to party with fast-livin’ Uncle Will. We went to a local bar with great…
If I was alone on an island with Chewbacca for eight months, after the seventh month I might catch myself saying “I guess Chewbacca has a pretty nice ass.” Every day in regular society, I find myself thanking the heavens for the invention of yoga pants*, because after family and comedy, I love a woman’s…
My eyes open up to an unfamiliar world, I look to the left; The image of an unfamiliar girl. I recall vague memories and images of the night before. First her pretty lips, then how they scream for more. First I’m walking up to her, then she throws me to the floor. My vision gets…
A lot of people say I like the kind of tattooed woman who rides her bike to music festivals before going to sleep in her hostel-like apartment in one of the cooler neighborhoods of the city. (They are right). They have even gone as far to give this type of woman an ever-appropriate nickname, “The…
A lot of people think I do stand up shows every night of the week so that I may one day be a nationally-recognized headlining comedian. This is only part of the story. One of my main goals in life is to find a woman who is much better off than me financially. Kanye…
When comedians hang out outside of a show, a lot of people think we talk about comedy for hours. While that is partially true, talking about comedy can only last for about ten minutes unless absolutely necessary. The rest of the time we are talking about how bad or good of a time we had…
